When The Answer Is No

While growing up, I remember there occasionally being rabbit nests in our yard. One spring my dog, Sophie, brought me this little whilte ball of fluff in her teeth, maybe expecting me to begin playing fetch or some other game with it. I discovered it was a baby rabbit, and quickly went searching for its nest. When I found it, I tucked the little thing back in with its siblings, hoping that whatever Sophie did to it could be undone. The next morning from my bedroom window I could see that a little white body lay in the grass outside the nest. I went down, scooped it up into a shoebox and went across the street to ask my neighbor if anything could be done. She told me that the mother likely rejected the baby once it smelled like dog, and unfortunately this is how things go sometimes, and no, nothing could be done. I remember being angry and filled with questions- why couldn’t I have fixed this? Why couldn’t my efforts have saved a life? It bothered me for a while, but animals are only animals after all, and eventually I was able to move on with my life quite easily.
Sometime between Saturday and today, little Micaiah’s heart stopped beating. The procedure we chose to try to save the lives of both babies apparently did not help our little baby who was lacking in fluid and space. Our many supplications for the Lord to please restore and revive and sustain Micaiah were answered, only not with the answer we wished. God said no. So far, Micah is strong and active, and our hopes are that she can not only survive, but carry on in this pregnancy as a singleton birth. If my body can treat her as the only one there, she should have things pretty easy from here on. So at the same time we are grieving the loss of Micaiah, we are tentatively grateful that Micah is still with us. Having one survive the procedure was one of the three outcomes explained to us, each with the same probability- 33%. I should be happy that we did not have the other outcome we had a third of a chance of happening- losing both babies. But I still have the thought- the Lord is above probabilities. He is not limited by how slim a chance a baby has at life. He can do anything. I am older now than I was when I found and could not help that baby rabbit, but the questions remain, and come with even more intensity. So why didn’t He fix this? Why couldn’t the efforts of the surgeon and his team have saved this life? I loved them both the moment I saw their little clouds on the ultrasound in September. It is going to hurt to not be able to wrap my arms around them both. But to have one to hold is more comfort than I could hope. Thank You, Lord, for this loss. Thank You, Lord, for this gain. Thank You for the reminder that You, and no one else, are in control. Teach me how to be okay with the fact that just as You give, You also take away.

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me bless His holy name.

3 Replies to “When The Answer Is No”

  1. Thank you for writing those words “Thank You, Lord, for this loss.” That is not easy to say. I have those bunny tears for you, and your faithfulness in this sorrow is a blessing. I love you.

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